Week 16: Shaun Ellis. First of all, Merry Christmas. And Happy Hanukkah. I'm glad I was lazy and waited until today to do this because I didn't see this story until this morning. After the Jets and Seahawks game, the Jets players are coming off the field with a barrage of snowballs coming from Seahawks fans. A lot of the Jets players don't seem to mind, but some run into the tunnel to avoid the snow. So let's go into the mind of Shaun Ellis. "I'm getting pelted with snowballs. I see snow all around me. I have a great idea. How about I throw a snowball back? Yeah, that sounds like a fun idea. They can throw snowballs at me, so why can't I throw snowballs back at them? Okay, let me make a snowball. Oh wait, nevermind. Why make a snowball when I can hurl this huge friggin' chunk of snow? Let me take advantage of the fact that I'm a pro defensive end and chuck this iceberg up into the stands." The "snowball" that he threw was the size of his torso!!! It was huge!!! Now if he picked up some snow and packed it into a snowball and tossed it into the stands playfully, that's a completely different story. That's fun. Nobody has a problem with that. But man, he took the biggest chunk of snow he could find and threw it up there.
In case you haven't seen a clip of it yet, here's a great one: www.youtube.com/watch
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah. And remember, if the snowball is bigger than your head, maybe you should think twice about throwing it.
Week 1: Devin Hester. He receives the kickoff in the endzone, and just kind of dawdles around acting as if he's going to take a knee. But then he decides to try to trick everyone and run it out. He gets tackled at the 3.
Week 2: DeSean Jackson. Do I need to say what happened?
Week 3: Kyle Orton. Okay, okay, we know he's not the best quarterback out there, but this play was pretty bad. Tampa comes on a blitz and get two rushers coming free to Orton, he pumps once or twice and continues to run back. When the pressure gets near his face, he tries dumping it off, directly in front of himself. So he throws it to the line, directly into the chest of Gaines Adams who runs it in for the touchdown. Take that sack!!! Take an intentional grounding penalty!!! Throw it away near a receiver!!! Do anything but throw it to the line. Mike Tomlin was the runner up this week for his decision to go for it on 4th and 10 down by 9 late in the fourth quarter.
Week 4: Terrell Owens. It has begun. I hope they're ready (not really). When the Eagles signed TO, I thought that he would turn away from his crybaby, locker room cancer ways. And for awhile, he did. But then things started to not go his way. He started complaining. He started causing a side show. Its all happening now again in Dallas. Not long after he tear-soaked "That's my quarterback" performance, and his preseason love confession for Tony Romo, TO is now upset he doesn't get the ball enough. Of course all good players want the ball, but to complain publicly about it is something else. And the ironic part is they did throw the ball to him a lot this week. And guess what, they lost. I don't understand why everyone thinks the Dallas offense runs through TO. He's a great player, no doubt, but I've always thought that Witten is the man behind it all. If you shut him down (that's a HUGE if), then you should definitely have success holding back the Dallas offense. So TO, shut up, you're an idiot. By the way, I've got to give the runner's up award to our very own poster, JCC. Man, if you want a good laugh, ask him his opinion of McNabb.
Week 5: Carlos Rogers and Chris Horton. This ain't college, fellas. He's not down until you down him. In the fourth quarter of the Eagles and Redskins game, Reggie Brown caught a 2nd and 5 pass from McNabb at the Eagles 46, good for a first down. It was a low throw, so he went down to the ground to catch it. Rogers and Horton just go right by him and Brown gets right up and adds about another 35 yards to the completion. I don't know, maybe they had him on their fantasy teams and needed those extra yards. They're lucky the rest of the team was alert and were able to slow him down so Rogers could eventually catch him from behind. If he had gone to the house on that play, it might have brought the momentum back to the Eagles. But they got lucky. And the Eagles lost.....GRRRRRRR!!!!!
Week 6: Whoever the guy who tells Mike Nolan to challenge plays is. Well, there were a lot of candidates this week. The dude on the Rams who took a 15 yard penalty near the end of the game to make a chip shot field goal into a dangerously long field goal. Ken Whisenhunt was another candidate for calling that timeout when the kick would have been blocked and on the real snap, the kick was good. But in both instances, their teams won anyway. So the honors go to the Niners' challenge people. Actually, they haven't been too great through the NFL in general so far this year, but San Fran's guy must have been sucking back on ole grandpa's cough syrup on Sunday. In the first quarter, Hank Baskett makes a great leaping catch for a first down deep in San Francisco territory. But on the replay, its pretty obvious that he did not have control of the ball. If challenged, it would have resulted in a 4th down and a long field goal attempt from David Akers, who we know has been struggling. But instead there is no challenge and the drive results in a Correll Buckhalter touchdown. Then later in the game, they do challenge the Hank Baskett touchdown catch which looked pretty obvious to me. In the fourth quarter, David Akers kicks the go ahead field goal, which barely stays inside the upright, but was slicing away. The Niners challenge it, which is apparently an unchallengeable play anyway and based on the available camera angles and the fact that the officials standing directly under the uprights have the best angle by far, doesn't look like will be overturned anyway. So there goes their timeout, which would have been nice for them to keep a young quarterback from feeling like he had to rush.
Week 7: Jerry Jones. Well, to be honest, I was going to give the honors to Wade Phillips, but then I thought about it, and I think this one deserves to go to the owner. Apparently Jerry thinks that he's the coach and he's going to say whether or not Tony Romo's going to play. I bet that makes Phillips very happy. He's the coach for a reason. That's why you're paying him, Jerry. And what makes you look even worse is that you said that Romo would most likely play. He didn't. So this week, you made headlines by buying a nice wide receiver. I bet the headlines next week will read "Jerry Jones visits league office to inquire about how much a win costs."
Week 8: Brian Schottenheimer and Eric Mangini. You're playing the Chiefs!!!!!! There are many, many ways to beat this team, but if you want a way to do it to make pretty easy, just run the ball. Run it all the time. Don't stop, because they're sure not going to stop you. So why did you throw the ball 41 times and only run it 24 times? You even had some big runs, but you didn't stick with it. Yes, you won, but only by 4 points. Yeah, its a win, but its like being proud of beating a couple of 6 year olds in a game of Trivia Pursuit and taking 75 turns to win. If you play the Chiefs and consider yourself not a terrible team, you should absolutely destroy them.
Shout out to ca_matt for helping me pick this one. Good call, buddy.
Week 9: Jerry Jones. Doesn't take him long to wind up here again. You thought you bought a championship this season, right? Well, that doesn't look like its going to happen now. You lost your baby, Tony Romo. Tough luck for the guy, really. I know how tough it is to sit on the bench because of a broken finger. It happened last summer to me for my baseball team. So frustrating. Because its just a finger, right? Well, when the sport you're playing involves throwing, it is a big deal. Injuries are injuries and they happen. There's really nothing you can do about most of them. Just have to wait for them to heal. However, there are ways to protect your team in case of injury. Jerry Jones, you failed in this category. You spent all the money in the world, but you really didn't bother spending much on a backup quarterback. You spent money on a big time wide receiver, but if there's no quarterback to get him the ball, what good is he? Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger are your backups. That's really not that much better than when the Eagles had to look to Mike McMahon to lead them when McNabb went down. It wasn't pretty. It was actually hideous. But the Eagles made the mistake, and they corrected it, signing Jeff Garcia. And although you never want your franchise quarterback to go down, but do you know what? Garcia was a capable quarterback and did a great job. Look at the Steelers. Ben Roethlisberger falls to injury. Who do they put in? Byron Leftwich, that's who, and he went 7 for 10 for 129 yards, a touchdown, and no picks. You don't need a stud to be your backup. Just have a guy who can play your system and manage the game. Heck, even Seneca Wallace doesn't do a terrible job in place of Matt Hasselbeck. But what you don't want to do is hire a 40 year old pylon to be your backup. With all that money, you couldn't come up with anyone better? Shame on you, Jerry Jones. Actually, I love it.
Week 10: Greg Lewis. I know, I know, you're all going to want me to put down Andy Reid. But I think what Greg Lewis did was far worse. He's coming down on the punt coverage, the punt returner signals for a fair catch....and Greg Lewis runs right into him. I appreciate the fact that he wanted to mess the guy's concentration up, but maybe you got a little too aggressive there, Greg. Stuuuuuuuuuupid play.
By the way, the runner up goes to the 49er's offense. Yeah, they handled that goal line series at the end of the game VERY well.
Week 11: Donovan McNabb. I love ya, buddy. I really do. I stick by you as much as Andy Reid. But you didn't know a game could end tied? Really? And the thing is, that's not even the reason why you've won the honors this week. You actually admitted that you didn't know that. Maybe he knew that all the Eagles fans were pretty upset after the game and he thought he'd give us something to chuckle about. Man, I hope that's the reason.
Week 12: Andy Reid. Man, there are a lot of Eagles in a row on this list. That's not good. But nevertheless, Big Red is on here for yanking McNabb. McNabb's the best player on that offense (with Westbrook being banged up). The Eagles were only down by three at halftime, and over the course of the past few weeks, McNabb has had rough first halfs and has come out on fire in the second half. He's actually done that over the course of his career. And although it didn't look like he was going to completely shake off his bad start, McNabb needed to be out there to get the game back. I can see why Reid benched McNabb: he wanted to send a message to the entire team, but in a game of that importance and that close, I just don't think it was very smart to pull him off the field.
Week 13: Plaxico Burress. I'm sure you could see this one coming from a mile away. I mean, really? How do you shoot yourself in the thigh? He's been shooting himself in the foot all season with his behavior, but but he shoots himself in the thigh?! And another thing, after playing so long in the NFL, you'd think he'd know what a safety is. There are multiple degrees of idiocy with this one. First of all, I still don't understand how he managed to actually shoot himself. Secondly, put the stinking safety on. And another thing, if you're going to carry around a gun, invest in a holster, unless you like the feeling of a barrell sliding between your legs. But here's what I think is the dumbest thing: you committed a felony for carrying a concealed weapon with no license to do so. So now you should go to jail (and they'd better send him to jail). And I don't want to hear any of that slop about the reason why players carry guns is for protectioin. Guess what, more times than not, if you find yourself getting into trouble, its because you're getting yourself into trouble. If the people you associate yourself with require you to carry a gun, shouldn't light go off in your head (although for Plax, its probably no more than 5 Watts) and tell you that maybe this is a bad idea? I mean, seriously. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Week 14: Jerry Jones. I didn't realize this was a coveted spot. Jerry Jones must love it here. Your team is in disarray. There seem to be some real lockerroom problems, TO is screaming on the sidelines, and your team choked in a big game against the Steelers. So what do you do? You go and call out your stud running back and complain about him not being able to play because of a toe and calf injury. You say that you've seen him play before and that he could definitely play through this pain. Okay, Jerry, first of all, why don't you shoot yourself up with some Botox and snap on a helmet and go out there and see what its like. Second of all, your head coach said that the team didn't clear Barber to play. So you don't even know what's going on with your own team. But keep it up, Jerry, I love it.
Week 15: The Bills coaching staff. 2nd and 5. 2 minutes left in the game. You guys call a passing play. And what happens when we do stupid things? Bad things happened, and that's exactly what went down in this game. Just run the ball. You've got Marshawn Lynch in that backfield...who only averaged over 6 yards a carry that game. Just pound the rock.
Is somebody out there happy now? haha...actually I was going to give it to Losman, but you convinced me otherwise. Also, Asante Samuel wins the "Almost Idiot of the Week" Award.